Reflections from Caregiving

I'm sorry if this is a heavy post, but it's something that's been weighing on my heart and mind so much recently.

I think it's largely influenced by my current caregiving job, but I've been thinking about death and losing loved ones, and it's keeping me up at night in fear and grief. During the day, I can busy my mind enough to not think about it, but lately at night, I can't hide from the realizations of future loss... of my own life, of my loved ones' lives. It breaks my heart every night, and I'm having trouble finding solace.

With these feelings comes another wave of emotion, hard to describe... regret, maybe? More grief? How I can be so stingy with outward displays of love, even though on the inside, I'm begging to hug my loved ones so close to me, cuddle them in bed, no walls and no tension, and just keep saying to them, I love you more than you'll ever know. I can guarantee this to my loved ones: I love you more than you'll ever, ever know.